Closure I: The Viral Attack
I feel I’ve finally attained closure. Closure of what, one may ask..a lot of things I say.
Let me put it this way - ever since that wretched TCS Interview results in 2003, I have not known bounds to my new found jealousy. It started off with a mere jealousy, mind you its not envy, jealousy towards Thajeer for him getting the job & a whole lot of us not getting it. I knew I wasn’t qualified to get the job right after I finished my interview & I also knew that Thajeer was qualified and moreover deserved it. I was happy for him, but I was jealous of him too. I did voice it to him, hoping that would calm me, to which he said that once I get a job myself my mind would be soothed, so don’t worry, this isn’t forever. I half-settled at that.
Then came the hurricane over my well set life..I couldn’t pursue my career in the South Indian soil-viz B'lore. My parents badly needed to uproot me and bring me over to this desert where nothing grows unless you have a zillion years of experience or high-rank recommendations. I was jealous of 'em all who were lucky enough to even get a chance at finding jobs in B’lore. In fact everyone was getting jobs like fruit flies spotting fruit, even those of whom I felt were grossly under-qualified than me! How frustrating can that be?
Once I came to this desert (something I had then termed as a god forsaken place) I settled for a mediocre job, that too with no backing from parents, rather a friend helped me. Then came the next major dose of jealousness with Ann’s announcement that she’s going onsite to America for a few months. This time I wasn’t even very happy, coz I was considering her for a probable safety net in case life got impossible here. I was so jealous & upset that I couldn’t find happiness for my friend, my sister (for whom her career meant a lot), that I cut all my communication with my close friends, I knew my system couldn’t take more of other’s joys….
All this while I kept getting those ‘wanted Freshers s/w engrs’ forwards from everyone in our batch…never opened one of them, always deleted them, I couldn’t even stand the sight of those recruitment ads that kept coming in. How terribly messed up could I be.
At the same time, things din't seem to be going too good in the home front either, which was when I finally decided to bail out. The very next day after I took this decision, I was jolted by another quake - when I had called Seema to wish her a happy betrothal. Thankfully her upcoming marriage wasn’t an object of my jealousy, but speaking to Marilyn that night, I was informed of her too going onsite in a few days…the days that followed that shock, I don’t want to remember, I was heretic. She was my safety net, she knew it, but she got her calling. I couldn’t make her stay, which she might have (faint chances though); it would have been a crime equivalent to my parents uprooting me. I can’t remember much more of 2004 and I don’t want to revive any memories either. It was simply the worst year in my life.
2004 din't work well in many fronts, of which one was that I was coping very badly with the change of scene and jealousy and all. The other issue was that I lost a very good friend. That friend of mine cheated on me, or what that person did or didn’t do was being grossly unfair to me and importantly INSENSITIVE of that friend. That, I believe is my only bad experience with a friend. For all that I was going through, this person didn’t lift a finger in my support. I barely have any expectations of anyyone (a lesson for me when I lost my safety net), and especially of this friend coz of his nature, but I guess I was completely misled. I was hurt big time, but for a very short time, n short it was - 1.5 days. That's short considering that even after 1 year of residing in the god forsaken place, I couldn’t come in terms with my fate, of my parents foolish decision to bring me here, very much against my will. So 1.5 days is nano short. And considering I revere friendship as the most sacred relation, that Insensitive Twerp of a person wasn’t worth more than that. So that’s that.
Not too many have really irritated/affected me with their behavior. Shiney, my school batch mate; Raghu, my classmate from college; and this traitor friend. Their doings though, are of little significance in my life. But I can’t easily forgive serious offenders. My parents, for forcing on me their decision of bringing me here. My treacherous paternal cousin, for poisoning my mom’s mind and coercing her into dragging me here. [I got immense satisfaction in knowing that this very cousin suffered a bit when she learned that her own blood, her daughter was having a long going affair. I am not cruel by nature, but she hurt my life big time, changed the course of my life with her poison.]
Even though I couldn’t care less about my deceiving friend, I couldn’t quite forgive the person. You can’t call it vengeance, for the crime wasn’t too severe. But I simply couldn’t forgive the act of betrayal. Period.
Let me put it this way - ever since that wretched TCS Interview results in 2003, I have not known bounds to my new found jealousy. It started off with a mere jealousy, mind you its not envy, jealousy towards Thajeer for him getting the job & a whole lot of us not getting it. I knew I wasn’t qualified to get the job right after I finished my interview & I also knew that Thajeer was qualified and moreover deserved it. I was happy for him, but I was jealous of him too. I did voice it to him, hoping that would calm me, to which he said that once I get a job myself my mind would be soothed, so don’t worry, this isn’t forever. I half-settled at that.
Then came the hurricane over my well set life..I couldn’t pursue my career in the South Indian soil-viz B'lore. My parents badly needed to uproot me and bring me over to this desert where nothing grows unless you have a zillion years of experience or high-rank recommendations. I was jealous of 'em all who were lucky enough to even get a chance at finding jobs in B’lore. In fact everyone was getting jobs like fruit flies spotting fruit, even those of whom I felt were grossly under-qualified than me! How frustrating can that be?
Once I came to this desert (something I had then termed as a god forsaken place) I settled for a mediocre job, that too with no backing from parents, rather a friend helped me. Then came the next major dose of jealousness with Ann’s announcement that she’s going onsite to America for a few months. This time I wasn’t even very happy, coz I was considering her for a probable safety net in case life got impossible here. I was so jealous & upset that I couldn’t find happiness for my friend, my sister (for whom her career meant a lot), that I cut all my communication with my close friends, I knew my system couldn’t take more of other’s joys….
All this while I kept getting those ‘wanted Freshers s/w engrs’ forwards from everyone in our batch…never opened one of them, always deleted them, I couldn’t even stand the sight of those recruitment ads that kept coming in. How terribly messed up could I be.
At the same time, things din't seem to be going too good in the home front either, which was when I finally decided to bail out. The very next day after I took this decision, I was jolted by another quake - when I had called Seema to wish her a happy betrothal. Thankfully her upcoming marriage wasn’t an object of my jealousy, but speaking to Marilyn that night, I was informed of her too going onsite in a few days…the days that followed that shock, I don’t want to remember, I was heretic. She was my safety net, she knew it, but she got her calling. I couldn’t make her stay, which she might have (faint chances though); it would have been a crime equivalent to my parents uprooting me. I can’t remember much more of 2004 and I don’t want to revive any memories either. It was simply the worst year in my life.
2004 din't work well in many fronts, of which one was that I was coping very badly with the change of scene and jealousy and all. The other issue was that I lost a very good friend. That friend of mine cheated on me, or what that person did or didn’t do was being grossly unfair to me and importantly INSENSITIVE of that friend. That, I believe is my only bad experience with a friend. For all that I was going through, this person didn’t lift a finger in my support. I barely have any expectations of anyyone (a lesson for me when I lost my safety net), and especially of this friend coz of his nature, but I guess I was completely misled. I was hurt big time, but for a very short time, n short it was - 1.5 days. That's short considering that even after 1 year of residing in the god forsaken place, I couldn’t come in terms with my fate, of my parents foolish decision to bring me here, very much against my will. So 1.5 days is nano short. And considering I revere friendship as the most sacred relation, that Insensitive Twerp of a person wasn’t worth more than that. So that’s that.
Not too many have really irritated/affected me with their behavior. Shiney, my school batch mate; Raghu, my classmate from college; and this traitor friend. Their doings though, are of little significance in my life. But I can’t easily forgive serious offenders. My parents, for forcing on me their decision of bringing me here. My treacherous paternal cousin, for poisoning my mom’s mind and coercing her into dragging me here. [I got immense satisfaction in knowing that this very cousin suffered a bit when she learned that her own blood, her daughter was having a long going affair. I am not cruel by nature, but she hurt my life big time, changed the course of my life with her poison.]
Even though I couldn’t care less about my deceiving friend, I couldn’t quite forgive the person. You can’t call it vengeance, for the crime wasn’t too severe. But I simply couldn’t forgive the act of betrayal. Period.
2 Comments:
I can relate to your feelings. Especially the last one. When I heard that Sharun and Raghu had a fight in college over the same issues that Raghu tortured me with, I was more than happy. Although I had no hand in the fight, there was some sort of pleasure knowing that Raghu got the treatment he gave me. We are after all children of the dark!!
Nitin
Thats why I like The Alchemist, I believe in Karma & Destiny....what goes around definitely comes around. You do bad, you get bad...One way or the other, bad finds you to repay in whole. And that, my friend, is the ultimate guarantee in life.
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