Eulogy

A year is a year when you celebrate a birthday or a wedding anniversary. A year is 365 days when you associate it with death. Each one of those 365 days stings and hurts. In my life 22nd of August will never be the same again. My birthday - August 22nd 2008, it will always be – the last time I talked to Kash. Exactly a week later the rudest shock jolted our lives, the intensity of which I can never forget even as I try my best.

It’s the finality of death that hurts the most. Never again. Never again will I get to see my brother, never again will I talk to him. Never again will I see my brother walk into a room and smile at my mom. Suddenly I and Hisham are bereft of a precious brother, my parents of a valuable son. In a matter of a few measly hours, what would have been a family of 8 got permanently set to a 6-member family.

August 29th marks the passing of 1 year without Kash. For a person who remembers the pettiest of days and dates, I find “29/8” irrelevant. Like I said, its 365 days, not 1 year. We say a special prayer, try to reminisce the good times without feeling overly sad, and life goes on.

Every time I face a problem, an adversity, I wish I could trade my brother’s life for a collection of the worst adversities I could possibly come to face.

How does life change when someone close passes away?
I can’t listen to music anymore. I normally turn to music for solace, to de-stress or simply to sing along. Now I cry if I listen to my favourite songs. It brings back memories of days when bro was alive, it’s tough.

What about your mobile phone contact list? Do you erase off a dead person's number? I try to ignore the buzz inside my head whenever Kashi's phone numbers come up in my directory or his name on those messenger lists.

I love taking pictures at just about every occasion and I have a huge collection of photos. Now I don’t care to take pictures and I don’t look at any of those innumerable photos I’ve clicked. Accidentally if I see Kashi’s snaps, it all comes back to me - I will never click another snap of his, never see him again. And sometimes the thought just seems preposterous. Why?

Coz I never felt my brother’s absence in an obvious way. I feel he’s still around, just not near me. Sometimes I just can’t wait to share news with Kash when I suddenly realize that’s just not possible. There are so many things I want to share with him – about the sequels of ‘In Harihar Nagar’ and that Mohanlal movie. I wish he knew Supin moved into Discovery Gardens, I wish he knew Barack Obama is the new US President. I wish he knew that Dubai’s Airport terminal 3 started functioning, and that the Metro is ready too. I wish he knew Bushire got his drivers license. I wish I could show him Haya, my daughter. I wish he knew I named her after Dubai’s Sheikha. He’d have adored the girl. I can only say Haya isn’t lucky enough to have known her uncle.

Most of the time, we all go about with our lives accepting the fact that Kash is no more. But there are these sudden moments of breathless, panicky desperation where you just wish Kash could still be alive and with us. It's like a cinderblock placed on your chest. These moments pass leaving a hole of hurt and pain, and then we move on again. I do grieve his death, pray for him, but I don’t feel as sad as I used to the first few months. For that, all I had to do was block out memories relating to his death, the way mom described their ride in the ambulance and what happened at the hospital and all.

My subconscious mind hasn’t accepted that Kashi passed away, if not physically at least in spirit. Kash features in my dreams just like any other family member or friend. So many times have I woken up from these life-like dreams to think it’s just so cruel to be made aware of the fact even in my sleep.

It may sound cold, but I don’t like to be teary-eyed and dull every time I think of Kash. Coz then I won’t be able to get on with life. I stop my thoughts with a prayer.

I pray that he goes to heaven;

I pray that God forgives Kashi for his mistakes and sins;

I pray that Kash has a wide kabr (figuratively, it’s like saying ‘rest in peace’).

Of late, I also pray that mom finds the strength and faith to move on in a life without Kash.

You’re always on our minds, the young vibrant you.
I love you Kash and I miss you so much it hurts.

Apologies & Au Revoir!

My apologies to everyone I've directly or indirectly hurt or offended. I had no intention of defaming anyone and I did not realize my actions would cause that. So my sincere apologies!

I pronounce myself guilty as charged of not adhering to the Rule of unbiased reporting. Freedom of Speech is not one to be misused. I believe in that and would like to believe I practise that. But I did misuse it (though, not intentionally). Hence, I sentence myself a ban on blogging as punitive damages since I am not to be trusted with such an important responsibility. And it seems to be the ideal means to settle my perturbed conscience and sense of justice.

I wish to thank all of you very much for your support that you've lent me through your feedbacks & comments. And for all the words of praise and encouragement you all have given me for my articles, for now I know I am 'jack of some trade'. As final words of parting , I wish to present a poem I found somewhere, one that I liked very much.

FRIENDS!

As we walk our path of life,
We meet people everyday.
Most are simply met by chance.
But, some are sent our way.

These become special friends
Whose bond we can't explain;
The ones who understand us
And share our joy and pain.

Their love contains no boundaries.
So, even when we are apart.
Their presence enhances us
With a warmth felt in the heart.

This love becomes a passageway,
When even the miles disappear.
And so, these friends, God sends our way,
Remain forever near.

PS: I'm letting this blog remain (rather than delete it altogether) as a reminder to my transgression, one that I truely regret now.

Fav Quotes

An optimist is someone who takes
the cold water thrown on his idea,
heats it with enthusiasm,
& uses the steam to push ahead!

I got it from Shruthi's handbook years ago when I'd gone to her place for combined studies. I really liked the quote & have always kept it in mind, for a lot of cold water has been thrown at me.

Never stop smiling, for you don't know
when someone will fall for your smile.

I try to be as cheerful as possible, especially when nothing around is bright. I learned the importance of a cheerful, bright face back in school (Bhavans) when friends told me quite a few times that once in their sullen mood, I smiled at them and my smile was pretty cheerful and their spirits felt better.
Apart from that I've read on many occassions that a mere smile is 'Sadaqah' meaning charity. If that's the case, why not do something so simple.

To meet and to part
is the way of life,
But to part and meet again
is the hope of life!

Gaurav (a senior) from Bhavans wrote that in my autograph. Beautiful, isn't it? I think so. Probably one of the greatest joys life can bring is when you find a long lost friend after years of parting. Now how does all this parting & meeting figure in my life at this instance? I'll tell you.

There is this website called orkut which is doing wonders. It's a site where just about every soul on earth who has internet access is a member. I found an old busmate/classmate of mine, Keerthana through orkut. Though she doesn't remember me (can't blame her, I was in that school for hardly a year), but to know friends from our past are living and doing well, and the prospect of finding more such friends, I really thank the creator of orkut. We used to be a trio - Keerthana, Parveen and myself. My hope is to find Parveen Khan, my first best friend, a very loveable person!

Alhamdulillah!!!!!

Oh God, thank you, I haven't felt so much relief in weeks!

After a very long break riverbend updated her blog, meaning she did not die or get arrested like I (and many others) feared. With all the violent deaths in Iraq and her gaining popularity (and notoriety among the Iraqi-war supporters) I was really very relieved to see a new entry after all these weeks...I was just praying that she be alright, even if she did not blog. I guess I can connect with her hopelessness and that of all Iraqis, but I sure am happy to see her back in action, and she's not lost her sense of humor either :D Good going gurl.

This is definitely an Eid Gift for me :D

UN Secretary General Candidacy

Boutros Boutros Ghali from Egypt –the first secretary general (SG) of the United Nations whose name I was aware of, that too for a general knowledge test conducted all over the middle east by the UN. I was in grade 7 or 8; I am not sure. And since this important guy of the world’s uniting confederation was from Egypt – an Arabic speaking country, there was some amount of pride instilled in me.

Then came Kofi Annan from Ghana. He must have been an awfully capable person or why else would the world elect a guy from Ghana? Where? Some African nation we might possibly hear about once in 4 years ‘if’ their team makes it to the football world cup. Capable he probably was – this is what I thought years back when I learnt of the latest SG for the UN. Of course, I wasn’t aware of the criteria involving SG selections.

The first time I was learning about UNESCO, UNICEF, WHO, The Intl Court of Justice and all those, I felt so good thinking someone somewhere was doing good deeds in this world. I was proud to live in this era where all nations were united and there would be no more world wars for a peace-loving UN was present, vigilant, unlike the utter failure ‘the League of Nations’.

Coming here to Dubai in 2003, I got more aware of world politics and current affairs (what with being forced to watch almost only news channels through the day). Only in these recent years was I perceptive of how useless the UN actually is, especially its Security Council.

The war on terror (read ‘the war on Afghanistan’ by the US), the UN arms inspector Hans Blix’s report of the situation of WMD’s in Iraq and finally the offensive on Iraq, to my utter dismay, all this while the UN took a by-passer’s stance. Talk about being disillusioned. I probably should have known that, after all, the long-running Palestine-Israel conflict was the perfect example of their inadequacy.

I was rudely surprised to hear Kofi Annan and his son’s names in the ‘oil for food scheme scam’. How could a person appointed for humanitarian work take bribes (if the allegations were true)?? How badly has corruption affected our world?

Israel’s recent attacks on Lebanon and how long does it take for the UN to respond? Israel says it needs 2 more weeks of butchery and bloodbath before it calls in for a cease-fire and does the UN object?? Probably that’s when I got this sense of déjà vu, like its all happened before, under a different name – the futile League of Nations.

Somewhere along enters the issue of electing a Kofi Annan, ooops sorry, a new SG. Enter Shashi Tharoor, India’s nominee, hailing from the district of Palakkad in state of Kerala. As an Indian, I rejoiced learning his odds were good, but I knew I had to be my skeptical self until the very end.

Yesterday was the fourth and last round of informal voting for the new SG. The results were a real let down. South Korea’s foreign minister Ban-Ki-Moon came ahead of Tharoor in all 4 rounds. The South Korean bagged the support of all of the Security Council members who voted, while Tharoor was voted against by some of them (which can be likened to a veto). Tharoor withdrew from the election; according to the Malayalam radio news, he said ‘withdrawal’ didn’t sounded as bad as ‘failure’.

Now I know why Egypt, why Ghana, why South Korea…why entities from such powerless or insignificant countries. They can be trained as the puppets (a usage from Riverbend’s blog) of the world’s supreme power(s) - on second thoughts, world’s supreme power (read USA) and its tails (Britain & France). On the other hand, if an all important post like the SG got into the hands of a growing country like India, which by the way is still a non-aligned country, what would the puppet masters do when the puppet thought on its own and decided to act on its own?!!? Get it?

Riverbend's "Baghdad Burning"

Part of my nightmares lately has to do with Iraq. I’ll tell you how.

The rumpus created by Jean Sasson's comment on my article ‘Mayada’ got me discussing the whole issue with my friends. As part of our debate/discussion, Nijaz forwarded a link to a blog by the name 'Baghdad Burning' written by an Iraqi girl whose pen name is ‘Riverbend’; she was 24 when she started blogging about the war that started in 2003. For the past week or so I’ve been continuously reading her posts, I started with her articles posted this year. It was like reading a sequel of ‘Mayada’, for the situation of Iraq and its people was pathetic, actually, worse than pre-war times. I didn’t know whether to feel pity or sympathetic or plain disgusted by the state of affair in that country.

Ramadan, the holy month of fasting starts tomorrow (technically, today). It’s basically abstaining from eating and drinking from dawn to dusk. The purpose is mainly to know how it’d be to be hungry or thirsty. Abstinence is not limited to just food and drink, you can include smoking, anger and a whole of other things in your list.

Then, I was thinking about Riverbend's entries about daily life in Iraq now. In many of her articles she mentions about the availability of electricity, or rather the non-availability. When I read all that, I thought of those long 12 or 18-hour power cuts back in Kerala – life for me used to be a standstill on those occasions. Thinking back to what Riverbend said, I couldn’t even comprehend how they kept going with life without enough water and electricity (even fuel for that matter!!). I thought, to really understand the plight of those people, like how we refrain from food n drink, perhaps if we did fast on electricity, then we might get the picture. Just a thought.

If I start talking about the acts of terror, the bombings – suicide or otherwise, the insurgents or even the Iraqi politicians, then I could go on and on for pages. It would be best if you read the blog, to get a good picture. Now you know why my nightmares.

Riverbend’s got excellent writing skills; and her sense of humor (sarcastic) is worth mentioning. I applaud her for the courage it takes to blog as an insider, coz it really looks risky and for her determination or drive to let the world know what actually is happening in occupied Iraq.

May their sufferings find an end soon – that’s the only prayer I can say for them now.